The Lloyd of Dirkness

Posted: August 30, 2011 in Words of Dirk (books)

Gloom 8th, 2011

Greetings Puny Humans!

I, the Great Dirk, have completed the greatest story ever told, to wit, my auto-biography, Dark Lord: The Teenage Years, published by my unwitting pawns, Orchard Books.  I say auto-biography, as my lickspittle writer slave, Jamie Thomson, actually wrote it, but ‘twas under my command, have no doubt of it! And I had to apply the lash. Copiously. It’s a lot of work, applying the lash, you know!

Anyway, this grand tale begins with a cruel curse. My arch enemy cast a spell upon me, regressing me into the body of a wretched 13yr old human child and exiling me here on this disgustingly vile place you call earth, where you foolish humans – failing to recognize my true greatness, as you so often do – thought my name was Dirk Lloyd rather than Dark Lord and sent me to school! Oh, the horror of it, the shame! But I shall be avenged, oh yes, so I shall!

Now I turn my considerable powers and evil genius to the task in hand – selling the greatest story ever told. And that means you, human scum! Buy my book in vast quantities or you shall suffer the Wrath of Dirk!!!!* (I need the money – you have no idea how expensive Orcish Legions are these days!)

Insincerely Yours,

Dirk Lloyd

The Seal of Dirk, Master of the Nine Hells, Sorcerer Supreme, Lord of the Iron Tower of Despair, the Evil One, He who must not be named, His Imperial Darkness and his Imperial Dirkness, Dark Lord of the Iron Tower, and top of his class in Science. Evil Science, of course.

*The Wrath of Dirk may include some, none or all of the following:

1: Cleaning out the Orcish latrines in the Iron Tower of Despair

2: Consignment to the Dungeons of Doom

3: Struck with the Charm of Sudden Baldness, the Cantrip of Uncontrollable Flatulence, and the Hex of Hideous Hives. Or worse, the Claw of Ripping Death!

4: Detention – in the Iron Maiden.

5: Turned into a mindless zombie lackey of the Dark One

6: Various unspecified wildly improbable vexations, disturbances and disruptions.

Disclaimer: Note that the Wrath of Dirk may be unavailable in certain areas and times due to Detention,  Suspension, being sent to the Headmaster or other factors like Court attendance or Police Arrest.

The Iron Tower • Plains of Desolation • the Darklands

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Comments
  1. Mei Ohon says:

    Greetings, Great Dirk Lloyd
    I apologize for not following your orders written in your blog; but I wanted to congratulate you for such a wonderful diary. When my sister and I found your work, we were fascinated by this interesting and magnificent cover presentation, and decided to buy the book immediately.
    We have a lot of respect for your abilites and brightness while dealing with the mortal world, and we support you for accomplishing your goals.

    HAIL TO THE AMAZING DIRK!!!

  2. ominousness dude says:

    Great Dirk
    you are EPIC

  3. Happy, Geek Chick says:

    I love you, Dark Lord. You are simply too adorable for your own good. LOL! I’m forever a fan.

  4. Madi H says:

    I am at loathe to admit this, but it seems one of the pitiful humans that dwell within the horrid school I am forced to attend has disrespected your work in the worst of ways. My lickspittle discovered this volume abandoned in a book donation box! The person did not show one iota if the proper respect, but I can assure you, he was punished accordingly . My um, friend, read the diary, and completely in awe of your awesomeness, she did her best to share it with as many people as possible. I was among the first of her friends to be granted access to your masterpiece. I am very lucky, for the chance to bask in the glory of your written work has drawn many a pathetic teenager to beg for possession. I promise, I have defended the book to the best of my ability. All other lackeys deemed worthy have read the book, and have found as much humor, knowledge, and endarkenment as I have. There is still a line the length of the darklands gathered to get their filthy paws on your work, as evil as it is. I look forward to further records of your awesome evilness!!!!!!
    Yours in darkness,
    Madi

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