Sayings of our Master

I have instructed my wheedling lackeys, Thomson and Morris to record and upload some of my more interesting statements, so that you all may benefit from my unsurpassed knowledge and lordly wisdom!

‘Crush the puny humans beneath your all-conquering boot heels!’

‘Mum and dad?  I don’t have parents, you curs – I am the Incarnation of Evil! The World Burner! The Dark One, to name but a few of my titles! I’m not someone’s little boy, you fools!’

‘My name is Dirk, but you may call me Master.’


‘My address? Yes, of course, it is the Iron Tower of Despair, beyond the Plains of Desolation, in the Darklands.’

‘There can be only one evil tyrant in this school, headmaster, and it won’t be you!’

‘Wait! I’ll give you power and wealth beyond anything you’ve ever dreamed of! A province to govern, armies to command, magic items and spells, whatever you want! Just don’t kill me!’

‘Fools! If only they knew how close they had come to total subjugation in the Slave Pits of Never Ending Toil!’

‘I’m going to need a horde of orcs to conquer this town. A big horde.’

‘Don’t worry, we’re here to help,’ said Wings. ‘Of course you are. Now, listen, puny humans. First, you will tell me where I am. Then you shall bring me some clothes, and my Cloak, and then take me to your leader. I will accept his sworn statement of fealty immediately and take command of this city forthwith. If you disobey me, I will destroy you all.’

‘By all that is Unholy, Noooo!’

‘Crush the puny humans beneath your all-conquering boot heels!’

‘Well, what would you like for breakfast, my darling?’ ‘I demand the roasted hearts of my vanquished foe!’ or, ‘Souls! I will drink Souls for breakfast,’

 ‘Excellent!’ said Dirk. ‘Maybe he isn’t quite as much of a fool as we think he is. Little does he know I am already leagues ahead of Dr Doom both in power and intellect! Although he does have a better suit of armour.’ 

‘Curses!’ A thousand curses on the heads of little golden-eyed goody-two-shoes elf children, may their hearts be ripped out and sacrificed to the Dark Gods of Chaos!’ 

‘Good morning, Dirk!’ ‘Bah! Mornings are never good…’

‘I am new to this plane and there is much I need to learn. However, I should warn you that it is only a matter of time before I subjugate your world under the heels of my all-conquering boots!’ Christopher and Sooz glanced at his cheap white trainers, and burst into laughter.

‘Friends. Hmm, that is not a word I am very familiar with. But I have a vacancy for a lickspittle if that’s what you mean,’ said Dirk, in his most imperious voice.

Today I received a report card from those insufferably arrogant and interminably irritating humans they call ‘teachers’! As if they could teach me anything! I, the Dark Lord, Master of the Legions of Dread and Sorcerer Supreme! It is I who should be teaching them! Teaching them the value of subservience, of obedience to the will of a superior being, for a start. Teaching them to grovel before me like the lickspittle dogs they are!  

I hate the way they date things here. When I take over, I’ll change the months’ names. May, when I came to this land of do-goodery, I’ll change to Fall. June, July and August will be Doom, Gloom and Dismay. Much better names for those human-loved sunny months of summer, eh?

An extract from Dirk’s original diary.